Only by taking the volume down a level, and creating a safe environment where they can feel that they can open up to you about what’s going on inside them is real remorse likely to occur

Also, if you have truly abused your spouse – emotionally or physically, or both – or overtly neglected them, you won’t get remorse. And frankly you shouldn’t expect it. Few will be sorry if they had an affair on a truly shitty spouse.

However, for the majority of cheaters, you will get the remorse. Maybe not exactly as you wish it or when you wish it, but it will come. For those spouses, there is hope. And here’s a perspective on what you might do:

First, you must make it clear that you need your spouse to show remorse in order to heal and move on.

As Katie Lersch wrote, “Often, before you see any remorse, you must demand it. You have to make it very clear that you will not entertain saving the marriage or consider moving forward until you know that he’s deeply sorry and https://lovingwomen.org/fi/blog/saksalaiset-treffisivustot/ that he understands exactly what this has done to you. Ask that he sit down and allow you to share with him what you’re feeling and what you need. Make it very clear that this is not going to begin to go away until he starts talking. He’s only delaying what must happen anyway and he needs to understand this.

Be Patient. I absolutely understand why you want and need to see some remorse. If he/she isn’t sorry for the cheating and even feels justified about it, then they may just repeat it. And no one wants to go through this kind of humiliation and pain again. But it may be important for you to understand that much of the time, a lack of remorse is actually just posturing. Your Wayward Spouse knows that they are in the wrong, but he/she doesn’t want to place themselves in a situation where they feel that they are in a position of weakness. He doesn’t want you to ask too much of him. She doesn’t want to have to endlessly explain herself and her poor choices. And they don’t want to have to make amends for the rest of their life to you. They have a lot of feelings to work through and you need to support this, not pinch it off. Remorse initially may just be a way of stopping the yelling and getting you off their back while they are in a living hell of your fury and anger. But that’s not true remorse. This sometimes only comes later. With distance. Time. Understanding of themselves and of the situation they got themselves into. Only if they feel that they can share their deepest, most vulnerable feelings to you without fear are they likely to recognize the horrible thing they did to you and to themselves. Support it with patience, even if you feel anger.

In order for your marriage to heal, the cheater must own his or her active part in the wrong-doing before he or she can have feelings of guilt

I don’t mean to imply that you do not deserve this remorse or that you should not continue to press for it. You do deserve it and you should continue to ask for it. But, not seeing it immediately is not an indication that you can’t save your marriage or that your marriage isn’t worth saving. Actually, some of the most indignant and seemingly non caring spouses can be rehabilitated, can eventually coaxed to release their remorse once they feel safe to do so.