Finally, I’ll name what we all know but haven’t all been able to disavow. When we create that fairytale picture and have that subconscious expectation, anything less than will feel wrong in comparision. We’ll feel disappointed and alone in search for the prince or princess.

Moreover, there’s often a notion that we will feel “whole” and “complete” when we have a partner for life. If we are looking for completeness, we need to be whole in our own self. We all intuitively know this, but we still look for external validation, which is, of course, a natural, human response. However, if we were to shift the paradigm of “he/she is everything to me” to “they are such a great addition and support to my life” we can be in a place to manage any disappointments or challenges that will inevitably happen.

If we first have a sense of self-love and a supportive community, finding a good partner won’t feel so lonely. At the very least, it will lighten the sense of burden.

a.k.a. Dr Pete …

About a decade ago, while I was writing a chapter on online dating for a book on relationships, I began research on the various online dating sites. In order to get an up-close look at how these dating websites worked, I joined a few of the most popular ones. Most of them began the registration and membership process by having me take some type of “compatibility quiz.” Some of these dating websites had lengthy, in-depth questionnaires. Others just stuck to asking me about the basics such as age, dating goals, education and profession. Yet, in the long run, I found that most of the compatibility tests were flawed in one way or another.

On a couple of these dating websites, I registered as “Dr. Pete A. Padilla.” I do have a Ph.D. and can use such a title if I choose to. However, whenever I registered as “Dr. Padilla,” the computer algorithms these websites used to find compatible partners started matching me with people that were exclusively in the medical field. They matched me with people in fields such as medical health administrators, nurses, and even bona fide medical doctors (MDs).

These dating websites never attempted to pair me with a library administrator, a professor, or a successful female business owner. Their assumption was that I could only be interested in establishing a relationship with someone in the medical field. I can assure you, not everyone who works in the medical field necessarily wants only to date and marry someone who is also in that field. And that goes for anyone in any field.

After I was matched, and then digitally introduced to someone, the first thing that the person on the other end of the computer did was ask for was a recent picture of me. I thought to myself, what happened to the claims these dating websites made that something like “deep-compatibility” was being emphasized in their method of matching potential relationship partners? The ultimate determining factor as to whether or not someone wanted to como propor uma relação aberta pursue a relationship with me was how good-looking I happened to be.

Despite the lengths any of these dating websites went through to make sure that their paying clients didn’t rely solely on matching people by the level of their physical attractiveness, in the end, this is exactly what was emphasized

In the beginning days of online dating, it was stigmatized as the last resort for desperate singles. During those early days, no one wanted to admit they even had a dating profile. And when someone did meet someone online, they would often lie about where they met. Online dating was only for desperate and a sense of shame was associated with even logging on to such dating sites.